For sake of peace, love, happiness

Every now and then someone will ask me an extremely complicated question, something which I may either have had no experience in personally or which has a lot of value-laden decisions which make the correct answer very personal to the one asking.

I generally respond with a few disclaimers like, “keep in mind this is my opinion, not my advice,” or “it’s not my place to make value judgments,” while also offering a few thoughts for consideration. Recently, a casual friend informed me that she was leaving her husband. She explained that now that her children had grown and left for university, she no longer felt the obligation to stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the children.

At last, having given her children a stable home during their youth, she felt she could move on without guilt for the damage she might do. She closed with: “Do you think I made the right decision to stay all those years?” Good question, and one which I chose not to answer directly.

I simply told her that she had given her children love and stability and they were both moving on successfully from the home to their own life at university and that’s all she could do.

I have seen many marital scenarios during my time as an educator. I’ve seen parents stick together through very difficult situations and I’ve seen parents who seemed to have split up about nothing. I’ve seen parents handle divorces with grace and cooperative behaviour and I’ve seen people who stick together fight terribly and make their home a place of constant conflict.

I have seen every kind of response to marital discord by children, those who grew stronger and those who fell apart.

Of course, I’ve seen the same responses from children whose parents have stayed together but not had good relationships.

I’ve had parents ask me how I felt their child might take a marital break-up and I’ve simply admitted that there’s no way to predict the response.

That’s the one thing of which I can be certain; uncertainty breeds uncertainty.

The friend I spoke about sent me the note her daughter wrote to her after she told her daughter she was leaving.

Essentially, she said she’d rather have two happy parents than one, or one happy parent rather than none.

I thought that was an insightful comment for a 19-year-old.

Basically, she was wishing for the best for her mother and father, but recognized that they would have to find their own happiness and that, to her, was the most important thing.

In the end, that would make for a better relationship between her and each of them.

I have to admit to being lucky in finding a partner with whom I’ve had a long and loving relationship. While my wife and I have certainly had a few moments when we’ve let each other down or had some disagreements, they have never led to us having a conversation about whether we’d stick together for the kids or not, hence I’m in no position whatsoever, nor frankly do I think most people are in a position, to judge the best route for others to take.Most kids will adapt to anything they face, but only if the changes bring some measure of peace and happiness to the lives of everyone they love.