Relationship - Suffer for your lover

The commonest word in the world is love but interestingly, no one knows exactly what love is. Love is, therefore, open to different interpretations. It signifies different things to different people. However, if you ever wanted to enjoy a fulfilling relationship, your best option is to see love as denying yourself so that your lover gets better. To love then is to suffer.

Some views on love Dove says love is a verb not a feeling. This means that if you love someone, it is not about how you feel about him but how you treat him to reach his full potential.

St Aquinas says to love is to do the will of another. St Paul says love does not seek her own. St John says to love is to lay down your life for another. The Akans say "odo ye wu" (love is about dying for another). Simply put love is about helping someone especially in his moments of great need without expecting a reward.

Models of love

Last week, Christians celebrated the life of Jesus, who, even though was the Son of God, took on the nature of a slave. He was tortured, mocked, humiliated and finally crucified to give hope and salvation to mankind. He is the model of true love.

In modem times, we have seen many people make great sacrifices that others may get better. For example, some missionaries left good things abroad, professed vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.

They settled in Ghanaian villages which then did not even have potable water and electricity. They set up my alma mater, a great institution on the Kwahu mountains. They lived and died in Ghana.

Many lovers have also made sacrifices to help their partners. Many years ago in Ghana, an expatriate wife jumped into a river to save his drowning Ghanaian husband. Unfortunately, both perished. We also heard about a Ghanaian lady who donated a kiddney to her boyfriend. They are now happily married. The examples of these heroic men and women must motivate us to make sacrifices for our lovers.

How to suffer for your lover

Renew your mind and appreciate that all relationships are difficult. It is impossible to be in a relationship without challenges. Challenges can be overcome by sacrifices you make as you give support and companionship to your lover. Resolve to put your lover's needs ahead of yours.

Put the focus on yourself

Instead of expecting your lover to meet your needs, think of how to make your lover's better. Give instead of taking. If you improve yourrself your partner improves because he merely reacts to what you do. Avoid the blame game.

Regularly ask your lover how he wants to be helped and how best you can care for him. Give up what you love and cope with what you detest. Denying yourself to help your lover is love.

Women see help as a sign of love and care but men are usually not open to help from women. They see it as a sign of weakness. A woman can, however, see a man's area of need without asking. If you help your 'man freely but not' grudgingly, he will know and appreciate it.

Change your language from 'me and mine' to 'we and ours'. This means you must be prepared to share all areas of your life, especially your money and time. Let things that matter to your lover matter to you even if you see them as being insignificant.

A man must appreciate his lover's companionship and dread separation. Therefore, instead of spending long hours of work a man can sacrifice some appointments to share quality time with his lover. Be there for your lover always.

Some lovers are slow learners and it takes time to get them to adjust to a relationship. Some are just stubborn. They think of their unique identity instead of working to nurture their couple identity.

Do not give up too soon because you are not getting the expected results. Be patient and encourage your lover to improve himself.

Suffering is your precious gift to your lover. Suffer because you care for your lover. If you never suffer for a lover, you will be less human and incapable of giving or getting love. You become more complete with suffering because it builds perseverance and refines the gold in you.

Men and women have unique abilities. We must use our abilities to serve each other faithfully, Do not live for yourself alone but always provide a shoulder for your lover to soar by the sacrifices you make.

Go the extra mile for your lover to show you care. What you do must cost you. The greater the sacrifices you make the greater your potential for a happy relationship. Love by giving and not taking. Suffer and if it makes your lover better, do not change a thing. This is true love, one that never fails.