Why women have more relationship regrets than men

When it comes to regrets, there’s nothing like a failed romance to reveal the emotional gulf between the sexes. For while it seems a man can walk away from a relationship with barely a second thought, his lover may worry for years about what she did wrong. More than twice as many women as men in a study said they had made mistakes with ex-partners – 44 per cent compared with 20 per cent.

Relationship expert Jean Hannah Edelstein said it showed that women felt they were ‘more responsible for the emotional side of the relationship’. ‘Women are more inclined to look inwardly to identify reasons why a relationship broke down than men,’ she added.

‘They are also more likely to think they were to blame and that it was their fault and will ask themselves, “What is it about me that I could have done differently?”. ‘Men, if they ask themselves those questions, would be something like, “What was their problem?”, or what else was going on in their life at the time.

‘Too few men admit to regret because they think it is unmasculine, but they should consider reflecting more. ‘Honest reflection after a relationship can never be a bad thing.’The telephone survey asked 370 adults aged between 19 and 103 what they considered their biggest single regret to be.

The most common disappointment was romance, with nearly one in five of those questioned saddened that a relationship hadn’t worked. Not surprisingly, perhaps, single women were most likely to regret the one that got away.

In second place were family problems, with 16 per cent wishing they had not argued with loved ones.

A sense of failure over education came third (13 per cent), followed by regrets over careers (12 per cent), money problems (10 per cent) and parenting errors (9 per cent). The study, which will be published in the journal Social Psychological & Personality Science, was carried out by American researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago.

Lead author Professor Neal Roese said that although regret may be upsetting, it can be a good thing. He added: ‘There are ways regret feels bad, but on average regret is a helpful emotion. The most helpful way to experience regret is to feel it deeply, get over it quickly and move on and use it to push you to new behaviours that are going to be helpful.

‘The longer-ago regrets tend to focus on lost opportunities, things you could have done or should have done different. More recent regrets tend to focus on things you did do that you wish you could take back.’

Even though the study reinforces the idea that women mourn failed relationships and reflect on their failures while men appear ready to move on straight away without looking back, earlier research found that almost twice as many women as men wish they had married someone else.

More than 20 per cent of married women said that if they could go back in time they would change their husband, compared with 12 per cent of married men.