Relationships between attractive women and ordinary men 'more likely to fail'

Scientists from Stirling, Chester and Liverpool universities found that beautiful women seem to realise they can pick and choose their mates, whereas an attractive man with a more ordinary woman seemed to be more content and less likely to stray.

The findings might come as scant consolation to Bernie Ecclestone, whose marriage to the model Slavica Ecclestone, ended in 2009. She is almost a foot taller than him and 28 years younger. Researchers took photographs of men and women in over 100 couples, some of whom had been together for a few months, others for many years, and they were then rated on looks.

The analysis showed that in relationships pairing a "beauty" with an average man, it tended to last only a matter of months. Rob Burriss, one of the researchers, said: "This would indicate it is the woman who is in control of whether the relationship continues."

He added that beautiful women may realise they can afford to pick and choose. Conversely, the less attractive women "may have to make do with what they have, hence the longer relationships", he said. Dr Burriss said the idea echoes the Dr Hook song When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, which warns a man outshone by his woman that "everybody wants to take your baby home".

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Bali 'friendship relationship' touted for Rockingham

MANY residents consider Bali a great holiday destination, but Rockingham’s ties with the island could soon become a whole lot closer. Rockingham councillor Paul Ellis has proposed that the city establish a friendship relationship with Bali.

The suggestion has been welcomed by Rockingham resident Made Delaveris, who has developed strong networks with the island community, including the running of a disaster appeal after the 2002 Bali bombings.

It is understood the council’s global friendship committee, which Cr Ellis and Ms Delaveris are members of, has given the proposal an informal tick of approval. It is yet to be formally passed by the council.

Cr Ellis told the Courier a friendship relationship would have educational and cultural exchange benefits and would come at little cost to ratepayers. He said it would “not be an excuse for councillors to go on a junket” and would not be a sister-city relationship such as between Rockingham and Ako in Japan.

He was against creating relationships that cost ratepayers money and was opposed to the delegation of Mayor Barry Sammels, chief executive Andrew Hammond and Cr Deb Hamblin to Ako in March at a cost of $25,000.

“What we’re (the global friendship committee) suggesting is to have friendships with any cities that won’t cost council any money,” Cr Ellis said. “I’d be happy for friendship relationships with anywhere, so long as it’s community-based and rate-payers are actually benefiting out of the relationship.”

Ms Delaveris lived in Bali for several years and visits regularly, continuing her charity work and strengthening her bond with the island. She said a Bali friendship would have significant benefits for Rockingham. “There is a huge Balinese and Indonesian community here,” she said. “Bali is the primary holiday destination of pretty much everyone in Rockingham.”

Ms Delaveris said the relationship would generate goodwill in the short-term, boost tourism to Rockingham in the medium-term and have “phenomenal” economic benefits in the longer-term. “It will be a rich relationship. I can see them investing in training centres for hospitality and enrolling students in TAFE facilities,” she said.

“The exchange of ideas and building a culture of tolerance and understanding is really important where we do have such a mixed bag in Rockingham.”Mayor Sammels said an official proposal would need to be received from Indonesian authorities before council could consider formalising a friendship relationship with Bali.

“The City has not received an official proposal from Balinese representatives,” he said. “Following an official proposal, the benefits of a relationship would be investigated based on the Global Friendship Committee’s recommendation to council,” he said.

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10 Ways to Strengthen Referral Relationships

So while there isn’t one “best” way to solidify your connections with referral sources, you can take a number of actions to build good will and credibility in those relationships. Here, I offer my top 10 examples that should give you some ideas and get you off on the right foot. This list isn't exhaustive, so please feel free to add your own actions to it.

1. Arrange a one-to-one meeting. Meeting a referral source in person is an excellent opportunity to learn more about his or her business and interests. Prepare questions in advance so that the conversation flows smoothly. Be ready to give an update on your business and to ask lots of questions about your source’s interests.

After you’ve met at least once, you may also consider inviting him or her to participate in some type of recreational activity, such as a golf outing, fishing trip, concert or play. This can be a good opportunity to let your referral source see a different side of you in an informal setting.

2. Send a thank-you card. A handwritten thank-you card makes a great impression, especially in this age of electronic communication. Be sure to write a personalized note that mentions what you’re thanking your referral source for. If you’d rather send something online, SendOutCards.com is a useful resource.

3. Send a gift. Like a thank-you card, a gift -- however small or inexpensive -- can help build visibility and credibility with your referral source. Try to find out what his or her likes are (such as favorite foods, hobbies, etc.), and send a gift that is personalized.

4. Call a referral source. An occasional, casual phone call is a good way to keep the relationship strong -- when you take care to call only when it’s least likely to be an unwelcome interruption. It’s also a good idea to have a piece of news or some tidbit of information to pass along that will benefit or interest your source. You can set up a file for holding newspaper and magazine clippings that may be of interest to people you would like to be your referral sources. Sending an article, especially one that is pertinent to your source’s current business or personal circumstances, reaffirms that you are thinking about his or her needs.

5. Display a source’s brochure. Doing a bit of sales work on behalf of a referral source can only enhance your relationship. If you have a public area for your business, offer to place your source’s materials where your clients can read them.

6. Extend an invitation. Invite a referral source to a networking event. Introducing him or her to other businesspeople you know gives your source an opportunity to meet others in your target market. It may also provide new business opportunities for you both.

7. Nominate them for an award. Watch for these types of opportunities. Local service and civic organizations often present annual awards recognizing contributions to a particular cause, and local periodicals often sponsor awards contests for businesspeople. Find out which groups and interests your referral source is involved in and check to see if there is a form of recognition associated with them.

8. Include a source in your newsletter. Even a brief mention of a referral source in your newsletter can pay dividends down the road, including the opportunity for them to reciprocate the favor in their own newsletter.

9. Arrange a speaking engagement. Help your referral source get in front of a group that would be interested in his or her business or area of expertise. Local chapters of service organizations, such as Rotary and Kiwanis, are always looking for good speakers. If you belong to a group that invites people to speak, use your contacts to help your source make the rounds among various chapters.

10. Turn the table. Offer your referral source a referral he or she might find useful. It’s often a wonderful way to build your relationship. By helping build your source’s business, you help create a debt of gratitude that will encourage your source to respond in kind.

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Work pressure 'hits relationships'

Almost one in three people have been in a relationship which has suffered because of work pressures, according to a new study. A survey of 2,000 workers by the Institution of Occupational Safety and Health (IOSH) found that a poor work-life balance could "drive a wedge" between partners.

Of the 29% who said they had been affected by a poor work-life balance, the main problems were long working hours and high workloads. Dr Luise Vassie, executive director of policy at IOSH, said: "The struggle to achieve a good work-life balance is an ever growing issue in today's society. It seems that too many of us are letting work take hold of our lives - and our home life is often suffering as a result.

"People are working harder than ever, but as our results show, too many are seeing their relationships outside of work suffer as a consequence. This isn't solely a problem for the employee - an unhappy worker is often an unproductive one. Almost two thirds of those questioned said their work-life balance was poor or could be better.

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Young Adults' Sexual Relationships Increasingly Favor Men, Research Finds

While young women's educational and career opportunities have skyrocketed over the past two decades, their opportunities for stable, long-term relationships have declined, according to new research from sociologists at The University of Texas at Austin.

In their new book "Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate and Think About Marrying," (Oxford, 2011) researchers Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker detail the sexual attitudes, behaviors and experiences of Americans between the ages of 18 and 23. The research goes beyond the clichés about salaciousness within the largely white Greek system to provide a nuanced view of the experiences of a much wider swath of young adults.

"Hooking up gets all the attention but most sex occurs in relationships," says Regnerus. In an era when marriage is often far from the minds of young Americans, the book provides a fuller understanding of why that is, how the place of sex in romantic relationships has shifted and what that means for young adults. The outlook for relationship security, he claims, is more grim than ever.

"There have been many changes in romantic and sexual behavior over the past 30 years," says Regnerus. "One is that the 'price of sex' among unmarried Americans has dipped to an all-time low."

Regnerus and Uecker describe the "price of sex" as the cost — to men — of romance, status, stability and commitment that men exchange for access to sex in a relationship. They argue that despite women's successes, contemporary relationships are becoming more male-centered than ever, with men gaining access to sex earlier and more often, yet providing fewer and later commitments than a generation ago.

"It is, in part, one of the unintended consequences of women's educational and professional success," Regnerus says. "Women no longer need men. When that's the case, how relationships develop will change. And they have.

"Men's economic and educational successes have stalled, creating an environment in which fewer educated and financially-stable men are selecting mates from a larger pool of educated and financially-stable women," he says. "It's created an imbalance that tips relationship power in the direction of the men. Instead of men competing for women, today women feel like they must compete for men."

The authors used data from four national surveys and dozens of face-to-face interviews to compile this unprecedented study.

Men also generally display few emotional consequences in their sexual choices, while women have a harder time dealing with "no strings attached" sex, the authors write. "For them, the strings are often what makes sex satisfying," says Regnerus. Women, he notes, also "seem to be happier when they’re in a relationship than when they’re not."

The book also looks at differing sexual attitudes and practices among conservatives and liberals. Conservatives tend to marry earlier but also divorce earlier, while liberals often exhibit a longer period of sexual experimentation before marriage.

Regnerus is an associate professor of sociology and a research associate with the Population Research Center at The University of Texas at Austin. He is also the author of "Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers" (Oxford, 2007).

Uecker earned his Ph.D. in sociology at The University of Texas at Austin in 2010 and is a postdoctoral scholar with the Carolina Population Center at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.

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Parenting resolutions for the new year

So your new year's resolution is to be a better parent? It's not that hard if you follow these 10 basic principles, practises and guidelines:

Parenting resolutions for the new year

1. Follow your heart.

Children sense when adults are being sincere. Besides, you can usually trust your emotions to lead you in the right direction. And you'll model for your children how to communicate honestly.

2. Appreciate each child's strengths and respect limits.

All children have intrinsic worth and special qualities that help them relate, persevere and shine an inner light. Similarly, each child has abilities in some areas and challenges in others. Our job is to encourage them to stretch within safe and acceptable boundaries.

3. Honour differences that distinguish each child.

Even within the same family, children have their own personalities from the start. Since we can't take for granted that one child will respond like another, we have to get to know and understand the nature of each individually.

4. Set consistent, secure boundaries.

Children feel courageous enough to explore their limits when they also feel comfortable that they won't hurt or embarrass themselves. And if you didn't care, you wouldn't bother to teach them how to balance self-control and self-will.

5. Know and respect your own emotional thresholds and physical limits.

All of us reach a point when our mind, body or spirit become exhausted and unable to act rationally or react quickly. Children need their parents' best attention and decisions. So taking care of yourself is also in the best interest of your children.

6. Make and keep your own friends and support systems.

Life outside of parenting restores energy for the job and takes some of the pressure off you and your children. Relationships, work and recreation can add pleasure and vigor to you while teaching your children the value of being connected.

7. Ask for help: Interdependence is healthier than independence.

Modern life is somehow both noisy and isolating. Loneliness is depressing and depression is paralysing. So do the world a favour: teach children the advantages of relationships and support.

8. Spend time with a child when you can't be interrupted.

Children want and need our company. They also know when our attention is divided between them and telephone calls, chores or thoughts. Protect some time each day when you can devote yourself to your child's interests.

9. Learn from disappointments.

We always learn more from our mistakes than from our successes, especially if we remember that our intrinsic worth is not linked to a bad decision.

10. Value your parental love and guidance as the greatest contribution to the community's security, prosperity and civility.

Children who grow up caring to succeed and contribute guarantee a healthier, better-educated, wealthier, stronger and more humane society. We teach most effectively by example.

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Online relationship test could predict where yours is headed

How's your love life? An online relationship test that may reveal what you're really thinking. Laura Bell was surprised to hear the results of an online test she just took about her current relationship that told her she didn't see her partner quite as positively as you see yourself. "I think it's good to be aware of positive feelings you have about your relationship, as well as negative ones," said Laura.

But could those negative feelings lead to trouble down the road? University of Rochester professor Ronald Rogge studies relationships. He helped design the test to detect the early stages of relationship decay. "One of the things, one of the reasons we started this research is because I'm completely reliant on what people tell me about their relationships and they're not always willing to be forthcoming. Sometimes they don't know," said Rogge.

The test is a way to dig into the subconscious. Participants have to quickly pair up words that fit their partner, themselves and their relationship. "Going through, I kind of got nervous when you had to do the one word representations, if it was positive or negative," said a laughing Nate Kadar.

"There are definitely people out there that may be surprised at what their subconscious attitudes, or where, where their feelings lay," Rogge said. The hope is the test can be a relationship saver by getting couples to open up about any bad vibes they're feeling.

"The sooner they catch the seeds of their relationship starting to fall apart, the more they can do to change that. You know, it doesn't take a lot to strengthen a relationship," said Rogge.

Rogge hopes that in the future, the test will be helpful to counselors, pastors or priests who help prepare couples for marriage. So if you and your partner want to take the test and be part of the study, visit www.couples-research.com. It's free and you'll receive feedback right away.

Fast facts:

* Last year, 2,077,000 marriages took place in the U.S.
* In 2009, the divorce rate in America was 3.4 per 1,000 people.
* Engaged and married couples who have a negative image of their partners are seven times more likely to break up.
* A Rochester researcher is trying to find factors that predict whether a new relationship is headed for trouble.

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Stressful relationships elevate risk of angina attack

Although, angina is often brought on by emotional stress, extreme temperatures, heavy meals, alcohol, strenuous exercise and cigarette smoking, a new study claims, tackling family worries and arguments can also elevate the risk of heart ache which can in turn lead to coronary artery [a blood vessel that carries oxygenated blood away from the heart to the body.] disease.

Angina is recurring acute chest pain or discomfort resulting from decreased blood supply to the heart muscle and is a common symptom for coronary heart disease. The symptoms of angina include pressure, or discomfort in the chest, mild or severe pain generally described as a feeling of a squeezing, strangling, heaviness, or suffocation sensation in the chest.

A cohort study of 4,573 Danish adults In order to determine whether negative aspects of social relations have an impact on heart health, the researchers studied 4,573 middle-aged Danish men and women with no history of cardiovascular disease. They tracked the heart health of the study subjects over a period of six years.

As a part of the study, the participants were asked questions pertaining to health and the quality of relationship with their spouse, children, relatives, friends, and neighbours. Outcome of the study At the close of the study, one in ten men and women reported constrictive chest pains, the general symptoms of angina. The study found people who are less wealthy, depressed and in their 50s were more prone to develop angina.

It was further noted that tense relationships with an intimate partner increased the risk of angina three-fold, while troubled relations with kids and other family members elevated the danger two times. People inclined to argue frequently with their partners had a 44 percent increase in angina risk. However, bickering with friends and neighbours only had a negligible impact on heart health.

Even after factoring age, gender, social class, cohabitation status, and depression [a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity] , experts noted stress laden relationships was linked with an increased risk of angina pectoris.

Lead author of the study, Dr Rikke Lund, of the University of Copenhagen in Denmark concluded, "Excessive demands and serious worries from significant others seem to be important risk factors for development of angina pectoris.”The study is published in the latest online edition of the 'Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.'

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Relationships a staple in rivalry

In its game notes packet each week, Georgia Tech compiles a list of “Yellow Jackets connections” outlining relationships its players have with members of the team it is set to play that weekend. The latest list was rather exhaustive. Traveling to Athens on Saturday for their annual game against rival Georgia, several Yellow Jackets will be experiencing a reunion of sorts, as they encounter familiar faces from their not-so-distant pasts.

Of the more than 100 players on Georgia Tech’s full roster, 24 will be squaring off against former teammates; be it those from college, junior college or high school. Those types of previous relationships help give this particular game the type of meaning and uniqueness that sometimes can be lost in other rivalries.

“I have a lot of friends there,” Yellow Jackets linebacker Steven Sylvester said with a smile. “The game is exciting; it’s definitely something you look forward to. You get to hear about it all year all week, especially where I’m from.”In McDonough, Bulldogs fans reign supreme, Sylvester said. Whenever he returns to the area, he constantly is reminded about what happened in the game the year before.

For the Yellow Jackets, 2009 wasn’t pretty.

Outpaced by a blistering two-man Georgia rushing attack, the Yellow Jackets lost 30-24 the week before they were to take on Clemson in the ACC championship game. They were able to recover, however, beating the Tigers for the conference title and a berth into the BCS’ Orange Bowl.

“A game like this just brings a great excitement to this state and to both schools,” Sylvester said of the rivalry. “We can’t wait.”This year’s rivalry game will have a tinge of out-of-state flavor, as several of both teams’ biggest stars hail from locales that extend the Peach State’s border.

Georgia receiver A.J. Green, a likely first-round NFL draft pick, is from South Carolina, while Yellow Jackets starting quarterback Tevin Washington was raised in Alabama. Similarly, Bulldogs quarterback Aaron Murray is from Florida, like Georgia Tech B-back Anthony Allen. Allen and Murray, both Tampa, Fla., natives, even have a previous relationship with one another, after playing together briefly in high school. Just before transferring to Tampa’s Plant High School, Murray was a freshman quarterback at Jesuit High School with then-senior running back Allen.

“He had a good arm,” Allen said of Murray. “The summer before the season started, he was my roommate when we were doing a summer camp at UCF (Central Florida) and I remember him out there just slinging the ball and him being in the room getting his arm together doing those arm exercises and everything like that. “He was a good quarterback when we played together. He looked like he was going to be pretty good.”

As a redshirt freshman, Murray has passed for 2,580 yards and 21 touchdowns this season. He also is averaging 234.5 yards per game with a 61 percent completion rating. Although Allen grew up mostly watching the Florida-Florida State rivalry with his Seminoles-supporting father -- Anthony was a loyal Gators fan before college -- he grasped the Georgia-Georgia Tech series rapidly, he said.

“Once I got here and you see that ‘To Hell with Georgia’ is in the fight song and everything, you can tell, it’s definitely a big deal up here and I’ve embraced that,” said Allen, who transferred two years ago from Louisville. “I’ve taken to it and grown a hate for those guys.”

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Romantic Relationship Tips

A healthy romantic relationship is about two independent people choosing to become partners in the journey of life for as long as it works for both of them. And, for it to work, here are a few simple relationship tips for a happy romantic living -

1. Adopt a Cooperative Mindset - It would be great if couples never disagreed; but conflict is present in every relationship. Respect the differences between yourself and your partner. Do not expect your partner to agree with you on every issue. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. This relationship tip will help you to approach conflict using a cooperative mindset.

2. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness - Ask yourself why you aren't happy. Too often, relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames the partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.

3. Do New Things Together - While establishing a routine can help create stability within a relationship, it is also important for couples to experience new things together.
Share Responsibilities - There is always something that needs to be done, whether it involves childcare, housework, paying bills, you name it. In a marriage or relationship, there needs to be a sense of fairness when it comes to dealing with such tasks.

4. Give Each Other Space - Part of getting a healthy romantic relationship right is knowing when to give your partner some space.

5. Forgive one another - Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.

6. Laugh Together - laughter is the best medicine for not just living but it can also be for a healthy romantic relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.

7. Most importantly, support each other - If your partner has to do something for his school, studies or work, support them. This will make them feel loved, and it will make them realize that they also have a friend in you, not just a romantic interest.

Many people want healthy romantic relationship in their lives, but defining a healthy romantic relationship is tricky. Romantic partnerships and friendships can be exciting, yet also have negative consequences. There is no easier way to a healthy and a romantic life, these relationship tips may help in spicing up your romantic life and mutual love for each other.

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Small lies can compromise the quality of relationships

The Watergate era had a profound influence on Robert Feldman as he was growing up. He was intrigued not only with the role lying played in the national discourse of the country -- and how it was able to bring down a presidency. But he also wondered whether we had created a climate for these large-scale kinds of lies because of the prevalence of lying in our everyday lives.

Robert Feldman, Ph.D., is professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts and author of "The Liar in Your Life" (www.theliarinyourlife.com). He has studied the role of lying and deception in daily life for more than 25 years.

Q: How ingrained is lying in our daily life?

A: It's part and parcel of our everyday life. It's something we teach our children and do as a kind of social nicety without thinking much about it. For example, when we're getting to know someone, my research shows that in the first 10 minutes, we're likely to lie an average of three times. They're not necessarily big lies -- things like agreeing with someone when we don't really agree with them, or telling them that we feel terrific when we actually don't. But these small lies add up, and they can take on a life of their own. And, ultimately, the problem is that the relationship is often built on things that are not true, and there's a kind of inauthenticity that can be damaging in the long run.

Q: What misconceptions, if any, do we have about lying?

A: Probably, the biggest one is that it's infrequent. There are certain situations in which we expect to be lied to -- such as from car salesmen. But by far the most frequent is that which occurs in our everyday lives, and we're not even aware of it. Most of us also think that we're pretty good at detecting lies, but we're really not. We will look at the wrong cues -- such as an averted gaze -- but that same behavior may indicate that the person is simply anxious. The other thing that prevents us from detecting lies is that we have a truth bias. We assume that people are being truthful to us, and that leads to the "liar's advantage." So we're cognitively lazy in that sense, and it allows other people to deceive us. In terms of who is lying, men and women lie at the same rate, but in different ways. Women lie more to make the other person feel better about themselves, and men lie more often to make themselves look better.

Q: How do lies vary?

A: There are several different kinds of lies -- lies meant to make someone else feel better and to make us look better in the eyes of someone else. There are lies we tell ourselves in order to feel better about ourselves, and we are often not even aware of it. We're certainly willing to accept the lies of other people who might tell us that we did a terrific job -- because we want to believe it. So we don't always have an accurate view of our own capabilities. You never get good feedback that is more useful to you, and you can make corrections. A lot of us live in a world where we don't get that kind of feedback. No one tells us the truth.

Q: Why can not the smallest lie be fully ignored?

A: If we want to have a good sense of our strengths and our weaknesses, we need to have others telling us the truth. For example, what are the dimensions in which we excel and which are the ones we need to work on? We want to know what others are thinking and to know their view of the world -- otherwise, we never have a sense of who they are, either. Our relationship is built on falsehoods to a certain degree, so it's not a healthy state of affairs. If you start off a relationship on a false note, it's hard to go back and correct it. In a sense, you have to live with that lie, and the lies can get bigger. But being truthful to others can sometimes get you into trouble -- even if people might benefit from hearing the truth. We don't like people who are 100 percent truthful, and they get a reputation for being blunt and kind of mean. So it means finding the right vocabulary for telling people information that they might not want to hear.

Q: Given what you know, what do you recommend to people?

A: It's something that we should all strive for -- to be more honest and to lie less. And in terms of detecting deceit, I call it "active honesty assessment." Although some lies are not worth ferreting out, if things are too good to be true, practice active scrutiny which can help counteract the truth bias. Rather than assume that people are telling us the truth, make the assumption that it might not be truthful, and think a little harder about what they're saying. My work has made me much more skeptical and opened my eyes to the extent of lying and how often it occurs, which is not necessarily a great thing. And I am certainly susceptible to the same biases as other people. But I do hesitate before accepting a statement at face value.

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How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship

Relationships are among of the most complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down into the dumps. But what if you're somewhere in the middle?

What if your relationship is pretty good, like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10? Should you stay, openly committing to that relationship for life? Or should you leave and look for something better, something that could become even better?

This is the dreadful state of ambivalence. You simply aren't sure one way or the other. Maybe what you have is good enough and you'd be a fool to abandon it in search of a new relationship you may never find. Or maybe you're seriously holding yourself back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve you well the rest of your life. Tough call.

Fortunately, there's an excellent book that provides an intelligent process for overcoming relationship ambivalence. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I read this book many years ago, and it completely changed how I think about long-term relationships.

First, the book points out the wrong way to make this decision. The wrong way is to use a balance-scale approach, attempting to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Of course, that's what everyone does. Weighing the pros and cons seems logical, but it doesn't provide you with the right kind of information you need to make this decision. There will be pros and cons in every relationship, so how do you know if yours are fatal or tolerable or even wonderful? The cons tell you to leave, while the pros tell you to stay. Plus you're required to predict future pros and cons, so how are you going to predict the future of your relationship? Who's to say if your problems are temporary or permanent?

Kirshenbaum's solution is to dump the balance-scale approach and use a diagnostic approach instead. Diagnose the true status of your relationship instead of trying to weigh it on a scale. This will provide you the information you need to make an intelligent decision and to know precisely why you're making it. If you're ambivalent, it means your relationship is sick. So discovering the precise nature of the disease seems an intelligent place to begin.

In order to perform a relationship diagnosis, the author offers a series of 36 yes/no questions to ask yourself. Each question is explained very thoroughly with several pages of text. In fact, the diagnostic procedure is essentially the whole book.

Each question is like passing your relationship through a filter. If you pass the filter, you proceed to the next question. If you don't pass the filter, then the recommendation is that you end your relationship. In order to achieve the recommendation that you should stay together, you must pass through all 36 filters. If even one filter snags you, the recommendation is to leave.

This isn't as brutal as it sounds though because most of these filters will be very easy for you to pass. My guess is that out of the 36 questions, less than a third will require much thought. Hopefully you can pass filters like, "Does your partner beat you?" and "Is your partner leaving the country for good without you?" without much trouble. If not, you don't need a book to tell you your relationship is going downhill.

The author's recommendations are based on observing the post-decision experiences of multiple couples who either stayed together or broke up after suffering from a state of ambivalence related to one of the 36 questions. The author then watched how those relationships turned out in the long run. Did the person making the stay-or-leave decision feel s/he made the correct choice years later? If the couple stayed together, did the relationship blossom into something great or decline into resentment? And if they broke up, did they find new happiness or experience everlasting regret over leaving?

I found this concept extremely valuable, like being able to turn the page of time to see what might happen. The recommendations are based on the author's observations and her professional opinion, so I don't recommend you take her advice blindly. However, I personally found all of her conclusions utterly sensible and didn't find any surprises. I doubt you'll be terribly surprised to read that a relationship with a drug user is virtually doomed to failure. But what about a relationship with someone you don't respect? What about a long-distance relationship? Or a relationship with a workaholic who makes 10x your income? Would you like to know how such relationships tend to work out if the couple stays together vs. if they break up?

Kirshenbaum explains that where a break-up is recommended, it's because most people who chose to stay together in that situation were unhappy, while most people who left were happier for it. So long-term happiness is the key criteria used, meaning the happiness of the individual making the stay-or-leave decision, not the (ex-)partner.

If you're facing a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" dilemma, I highly recommend this book. You'll breeze through most of the filters, but you'll probably hit a few that snag you and really make you think. But I recommend this book not just for people who aren't sure about the status of their relationship but also those with healthy relationships who want to make it even better. This book will help you diagnose the weak points of your relationship that could lead to break-up and allow you to consciously attend to them.

Here are some diagnostic points from the book you may find valuable (these are my summaries, not the author's exact words):

1. If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you're still together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart isn't going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.

2. Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm than good. Leave.

3. Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don't mutually like each other, you don't belong together.

4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there's no spark, there's no point in staying.

5. Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you find your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing? Results matter far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that's intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave. Example: "Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I'm gone." Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you'll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.

6. Do you see yourself when you look in your partner's eyes? A metaphor... if you don't sense a strong compatibility with your partner, you're better off with someone else.

7. Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.

8. Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little to enhance your life and you wouldn't lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. You'll break even by being on your own and gain tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.

9. Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can't forgive each other's transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Leave.

10. Do you and your partner have fun together? A relationship that's no fun is dead. Leave.

11. Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren't planning to spend your future together, something's terribly wrong. Take off.

These questions drive home the point that a relationship should enhance your life, not drain it. At the very least, you should be happier in the relationship than outside it. Even if a break-up leads to a messy divorce with complex custody arrangements, Kirshenbaum points out that in many situations, that can still lead to long-term happiness whereas staying in a defunct relationship almost surely prevents it.

Some of the diagnostic points might seem overly harsh in terms of recommending leaving in situations you might find salvageable. A relationship, however, requires the effort and commitment of both partners. One person can't carry it alone. Even though you might come through with a miraculous save (such as by turning around an abusive relationship), such attempts are usually doomed to failure, and even where they succeed, they may take such a tremendous toll that you ultimately feel they weren't worth the effort. You could be much happier in a new relationship (or living alone) instead of investing so much time trying to save a relationship that's dragging you down. You'll do a lot more good giving yourself to someone who's more receptive to what you have to offer and who genuinely appreciates you for it. If you're spending your relationship fighting resistance more than sharing love, you're probably better off letting it go and embracing a relationship that will provide greater mutual rewards for less work.

You may find it revealing to apply these diagnostic questions to a broader set of human relationships, such as your relationships with your boss and co-workers. Perhaps you can skip the sexual attraction one... but mutual respect, fun, shared goals, tolerable behavior, getting your needs met, etc. all apply perfectly well to career-oriented relationships. For example, if your boss avoids you when you try to discuss your future with the company, I'd say that's a very bad sign for one of you.

Don't confuse the question of whether or not you should leave your current relationship with how you might find a new relationship. If it's clear that your current relationship should end, then end it. Once you're on your own again, then you can (re)develop the skills needed to attract a new partner. It's unlikely you'll be in a place to assess your chances of entering a new relationship while you're still in one. For one, everyone around you will perceive you as unavailable while you're still in a relationship, so you won't be able to get a clear sense of where you stand until you're free of that.

A proper diagnosis may also convince you that your relationship is indeed too good to leave. That situation may last your entire life, or it may change at some point. You can't control all the variables. But at least you'll have a method for deciding if you can commit to your relationship in the present moment or if you should be making plans to end it.

In any relationship, choose at the very least to achieve your own happiness.

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Signs Of A Controlling Relationship

1. Flattery – Flattery is different than a compliment – A compliment adds to a person. It builds within you a sense of confidence free from any ulterior motives. Flattery on the other hand is insincere and selfish in its motive – which is simply to gain a greater sense of control. Flattery always deals with comparisons. The flatterer will privately build you up in the process of tearing others around you down.

2. Rejection – In looking at signs of a controlling relationship there is a red flag that I call "conditional acceptance." An expression of conditional acceptance is calculated rejection. In other words, by expressing rejection toward you, the controller hopes your desire for their acceptance will be strong enough to cause you to change your behavior; resulting in a subtle form of manipulation. True friendship is acceptance, understanding and commitment – regardless of whether or not you do want another person wants you to do.

3. Sense of Indebtedness – Initially it may seem too good to be true – you suddenly have someone in your life that is always there to help just at the right time. Yet, over time it becomes clear the gifts and expressions of generosity have strings attached. By reminding you of all they have done, they create in you an overwhelming sense of indebtedness and obligation.

4. Inordinate loyalty – The controller will always demand loyalty at the expense of your other relationships. They will often find ways to "drive a wedge" between you and the other friends and family members in your life, isolating you from others.

Conclusion

When looking at the signs of a controlling relationship, it is important to ask yourself the following questions: Do you often find the need to explain or defend yourself? Do you find yourself feeling guilty? Do you find yourself apologizing more than you normally would? Do you pretend to agree and go along with things you don't want to do in order to keep peace? Are you finding yourself isolated from your friends and family? When you are around a specific person, do you often feel frightened or intimidated?

By discovering your sense of worth and value in God's love, you can find the confidence to not only recognize an abusive relationship, but to break free from its control.

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Relationships Tips

Relationships Tips from The Art and Science of Love

The Art and Science of Love is a workshop the Gottman's put together for those of us who cannot get to one of their in person workshops to use, and use it I have with my domestic violence folks.

The workshop is composed of a series of written exercises for couples to use, and accompanying videos, that teach the skills that the Gottman's have observed the Masters of Marriage using over their 30 years of doing this work.

I can really appreciate their model because they include important physiological measures in their observations, and make very sophisticated interpretations of non-verbal communication.

Why is non-verbal communication important to measure? Well, if you read FLOW by Mihalyi Czikszentmihalyi, on page 28, he says that we process emotional communications made through facial and tonal messages in packets of seven bits at the same time, and the shortest time between packets of data is 1/18th second.

1/18th second is about twice as fast as I can blink my eyes, and I can change my hormonal bath from DHEA the antiaging hormone to adrenalin and cortisol that fast, and if I am not prepared, my body will begin to move in ways that definitely harm the relationship, so the fact that the Gottman's pay attention to non-verbal communications is vital in my estimation.

Relationships Tips from the Heart

No one knew too long ago that the heart had its own affiliative and cooperative nervous system, a brain of its own, a brain which can learn and make decisions independently of any other brain I have.

In fact the heart feeds much more data up than the brain sends down, and if I learn to keep my heart rate coherent, using Doc Childre's heart rate variability tool, I can learn to access my higher perceptual centers in conversation with my mate.

Just above I mentioned that I can respond to non-verbal communications very rapidly, for example, a look of contempt, in 1/25th second, according to Paul Ekman,Ph.D., who has worked for 25 years to catalog human facial expressions.

1/25th second is even faster than Czikszentmihalyi's 1/18th second, isn't it, so doesn't it make sense to learn a skill which allows me to manage my physiology in a heart beat? To me it does, and I have learned the Heartmath process and taught it to many couples so that they can work on the heart beat of their relationship.

Heart rate variability biofeedback feels good, and once I have a few practices on the computer with the program, my heart will learn the cue, and provide me an affiliative and coherent heart beat which allows me to manage my response to non-verbal communications heart beat by heart beat.

I can get in the habit of cuing coherence in my heart beat and body by using my cue thought (I like to picture my children's faces inside my chest next to my heart)every five minutes for two heart beats. Wonderful. So if my mate is upset, I can bring coherence to our conversation, where I will definitely use my reflective listening skills.

Helen Fisher's Romantic Love

Anybody who has ever been in love can testify to the power of that experience, especially your first love.

Helen Fisher,Ph.D. has taken a look at what our brains do in this early stage of love through the unflinching lens of the functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine so that we can begin to make sense of why we do what we do in the process of romantic love.

With that understanding, perhaps we can use our thinking skills to moderate the powerful dopamine, androgen, and oxytocin inspired behaviors we exhibit when in love.

Or at least we can take her personality test, and find compatible folks to have chemistry with.

Professor Fisher says that her research indicates that we humans fall into four broad personality types, each governed by a particular neurotransmitter or hormone, and we can have the best chemistry by finding compatible chemical types before we ever begin the process of romantic love.

Relationships Tips From Robert Epstein, Ph.D.

Robert Epstein, Ph.D. has some interesting ideas about building intimacy.

He is challenging us to regularly practice exercises designed to keep us close. He says that couple in countries where arranged marriages are the norm have much longer marriages, and much happier marriages, even though they may have met once prior to the marriage ceremony.

This seems improbable to those of us who are firm believers in the Disney Prince Charming and Cinderella model, which includes the intervention of the Fairy Godmother.

Epstein suggests that the regular practice of exercises like 'soul gazing' where we look deeply into our partners eyes for a couple of minutes can have a huge impact on feelings of closeness, and another exercise he prescribes is heart rate synchronization, which can be done very well using a heart rate variability tool.

I know because I have done, and I was actually quite excited when I read Professor Epstein's idea.

I have taught the heart rate variability biofeedback process to clients, which is a computerized process, very easy to learn, and feels good, and then had them sit down side by side, hook up to computers, get themselves into heart rate variability coherence, and then hold hands.

What emerges on their computer screens is the "heart beat" of the relationship.

Folks get to see that what they are thinking about impacts first their heart beat and then the heart beat of the relationship, and that happens rapidly, and obviously.

Then to demonstrate the power they have, I ask them to each think of one thing that they would prefer their mate to change, and watch what happens to the heart beat of the relationship, which goes haywire.

Then I ask them to think of something they really appreciate about their partner, and to watch what happens on the computer screen.

The take away is that folks get that they can keep the heart beat of relationship coherent by choosing to think more appreciation thoughts, which leaves both parties in an affiliative and cooperative mood to do what Gottman calls negotiate gridlocked issues.

Maintaining a physiology of cooperation and affiliation is my best relationships tip.

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Confidence while dating: Easy way to give a true impression

Confidence is the most important component when it comes to dating with your partner. Well, women are strongly attracted to men that are confident, intelligent and of course handsome. However, confidence is an essential trait that will help a person to attract by a woman. If you feel and find yourself lacking confidence when it comes to approach a dating a women then, need not to worry at all. Just follow these following essential tips that help you maintain and build your confidence with your dating escapades:

Remain natural: Projection is the key to how you would like a woman to recognize you. There are so many guys that make the mistake of trying to be something that they are not. And this is the wrong and false, you should always act and behave like as you are and if you want to then, would behave like a gentleman. Furthermore, you should always be yourself! Where as projecting a false impression is dangerous because she will eventually find you out who you are. Your illusion will in the end fade and your confidence will fade automatically.

* Being possessive: Well, this is one of the most important tips that you should never try to make the mistake of treating a woman as your possession as she is also an individual with her own thoughts and personality. You should always respect her and her feelings! You should never try to dominate her perspective. Moreover, you should also avoid making the mistake of being desperate possessive. Your possessiveness can destroy a developing relationship. Give her some breathing learn and space to have trust her in her.

Stay relaxed: It is important for you to be relaxed and have control on your emotions so that you remain calm. Need not to be get tensed or show nervousness as it will only display a negative impression of yours. Additionally, always look into her eyes while you speak. This will show her that how much you are confident and be comfortable around her. And always try to maintain a normal body language.

Remain focused: Be attentive and stay focused while you are on a date with your partner. Take notice of what she likes and dislikes and store this information into your mental bank. This will help you to learn more about her. You will be very confident when it comes to dealing with her because you are aware of what turns her off and what turns her on.

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6 Ways Success Is Sabotaging Your Love Life

Symptom: He’s Not Initiating Intimacy Not being the primary provider, or getting laid off, can be a blow to his ego and his manhood.

Remedy: Reassure him that he’s contributing to your household. “Men tend to be action-oriented, so point out the ways his actions have an impact on your life,” says Dr. Haltzman. Tell him how much bringing in the groceries, or helping your daughter with algebra, helps you—and don’t forget to compliment him in bed. If a down mood is preventing him from leading the way into the bedroom, nudge him. “You can start the process by dropping a hint such as a text message on the way home from work,” suggests Dr. Haltzman. Then, allow him to take charge.

Symptom: You’re Too Tired for Sex After getting the kids dressed for school, working a 10-hour day and prepping dinner, some prime-time viewing is the only entertainment on your wish list.

Remedy: Schedule some couple time into your calendar “Have a conversation about times to spend nurturing this relationship,” advises Delaware area–based sex therapist Debra Laino, DHS, MED, MS. She suggests a planned date night, or even just a few hours you plan to spend naked each week...and see what happens.

Symptom: He Has Stopped Buying You Gifts If he’s not bringing home the bacon, he’s probably not bringing home flowers or jewelry, either.

Remedy: You can, of course, give the guy a break—these are tough times. But you might also start a little “fun fund,” a joint account that you both draw from to buy small gifts for the other person. “Since it's available for each of you to use, your husband won’t feel as if he's using your money,” says Dr. Haltzman.

Symptom: He Says You’re Still at Work When You’re With Him many women feel like they’re doing the work of two or three people—and in this avalanche of layoffs, you might have a reason to feel this way! As a result, there is always another e-mail to respond to or to-do-list item to tackle before the morning.

Remedy: Physically disconnect, at least temporarily, each night. “It's OK to tell your employees or clients that you won't be available at certain hours of the day,” says Dr. Haltzman. If you need to check e-mail, set aside a block of time after everyone else’s bedtime.

Symptom: You Feel Like You May Stray “When a woman has an education and income, she has the means to do what she wants to do. If her partner isn’t up to her par, and if someone offers her something that her partner isn’t giving her, it is easy for her to go astray,” says Laino. Combine this with a layoff dampening his libido, and your marriage may be at risk.

Remedy: Remember to talk that’s the only way to make him know what you're feeling, whether it be concerns over finances or the relationship. “There needs to be an open, calm conversation,” says Laino, who urges women to think big-picture.

“With relationships as well as marriages, you kind of have to have this attitude ‘for better or worse.’ Everyone has limits, but if someone loses his or her job and is out of work for six months, remember that it could be just six months out of 30 years,” says Laino.

Symptom: He Says You Treat Him Like an Employee At work, women are often in positions of power, and at home, they might also run the show. But the way you speak to your partner can make or break your relationship.

Remedy: Remember that a relationship is made up of two equal partners, regardless of who is earning more. “When you get home, take some time and ask your husband what's been happening in the household, help him to feel like his opinions matter and try to work on collaborative ways to solve problems,” says Dr. Haltzman.

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Love Making Tips For Couples - How to Spice Up Your Intimate Life.

Love making tips for couples can help spice up a relationship that has started to become a bit mundane and routine. Intimacy is a crucial part of.

A close and connected bond between a man and a woman. When making love starts to feel more like a duty than a desire it's time to take action.

Many couples who let their intimate life quietly die find that their relationship also starts to suffer to the point of a break up or divorce.

If you and your partner are drifting apart in an intimate sense now is the time to make some positive changes in the bedroom. You may be surprised at how connected you two feel in every way once you do this.

One of the best love making tips for couples has little, if anything, to do with the bedroom. Sometimes couples become disconnected intimately because they've stopped showing one another affection in any form anymore. Do you and your partner still hold hands?

Do you buy each other small gifts or take the time to do things for each other to make life easier? Sometimes we neglect the romance in our relationship and just assume that our partner knows how much we desire them. Make an effort, beginning right now, to make your partner feel desired and adored.

Another of the love making tips that can have a strong impact on your relationship is to communicate with one another. This doesn't just mean when you two talk about when you'd like to make love. It also focuses on just listening to each other and to what's important in your lives. If your partner feels valued and appreciated they are going to feel closer to you in all ways, including physically. Make certain they know that they are important to you in every way possible.

When your sex life starts to suffer, your marriage suffers. It's as simple as that. It's never too late to rediscover the passion or turn things up a notch in your relationship. Find out what you can do, starting today, to completely transform the intimate relationship you have with your partner from this helpful site.

Most couples struggle with intimacy at some point. They're either both too tired, too stressed or simply not that interested anymore. It doesn't have to be that way. If you miss the intimate moments with your lover there is help. Don't waste one more minute wishing things were different in the bedroom, change it now.

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Love Dating Tips - Know Each Other

Love is like a passion for those who know what this feeling is all about. Your world goes round when you come to know that some one is yours and only your forever.

Your partner becomes every thing for you. There are some tips that can make your partner feel that how much you matter to them.

Let us talk about guys first what they should do to make their girl friends feel good. Girls always like to have a boy friend who listens to her, show care for her.

You must always talk to your girl friend and should try to know what she wants. While talking to her you should always pay full attention to what she is saying.

If she ever disclosed any secret to you, you should never spread it and should keep it to you. Tell her the way you feel about her, don’t lie because girls are intelligent enough to make out the difference between the liars and honest people. Stand by her in any problem even if she doesn’t ask you to. Don’t try to cheat her, tell her if you cannot go out with her because of any problem.

Now we discuss some tips for girls. Do not act like a spy for your boy friend; give him space if he needs it. Boys also love to be admired like the girls do, so tell them how you love him and care for him. They also like little surprises.

So gift them with some unexpected stuff that he likes. Don’t ever tell in front of him that your other male friends care for you or something like this because this can annoy them. These are some tips that really work. So, go ahead and use them. And always remember that communication is very important for a relationship. Always tell what you feel to your partner.

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Prof reveals study on secret love

The consequences of secret romances have been woven into stories and songs for centuries. Pieces like Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” have always warned of the dangers of hidden love.

Recent studies by CSU social psychology professor Justin Lehmiller concluded that modern-day couples in such relationships are just as endangered as the famous Montague and Capulet.

Miller presented his findings to a group of students in Clark A103 Tuesday. His talk is sponsored by Psi Chi The International Honor Society in Psychology and The Psychology Student Alliance for their annual lecture presentation.

A study of 225 people in secret relationships revealed that the largest reason couples go in-cognito is because of the fear of disapproval by their parents.

Other couples kept their feelings secret because of marriage or because they were only “testing out” their relationships. Only one couple indicated that they actually found the experience enjoyable.

“People aren’t hiding their relationships because they enjoy it,” Lehmiller said.

Volunteers for the studies were in several different kinds of relationships, such as homosexual, interracial and those with a large age gap.

“Secrecy seems to have more negative outcomes in the relationship than positive outcomes,” Lehmiller said.

Another study surveyed 161 people over the Internet about their psychological and physical health and how secret they kept their relationships.

The same group was surveyed a year later to see how long they stayed together. Out of the 46 percent that responded, more than half were still together. “It might actually be good to end a secret relationship in regards to your physical health,” Lehmiller said.

The study showed that members of couples that stayed together had more stress and less self esteem than those who broke up. Secrecy is suspected to be the cause of this stress. “They definitely say secrecy was a reason they broke up,” Lehmiller said.

“I learned that secrets in all their different forms are toxic,” said senior psychology and chemistry major Chelsea Chapman, who attended the event. Lehmiller conceded that some couples were forced to hide their relationships for fear of social ridicule or even physical violence. “Not everyone has a choice when it comes to secrecy,” he said.

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Relationship - Suffer for your lover

The commonest word in the world is love but interestingly, no one knows exactly what love is. Love is, therefore, open to different interpretations. It signifies different things to different people. However, if you ever wanted to enjoy a fulfilling relationship, your best option is to see love as denying yourself so that your lover gets better. To love then is to suffer.

Some views on love Dove says love is a verb not a feeling. This means that if you love someone, it is not about how you feel about him but how you treat him to reach his full potential.

St Aquinas says to love is to do the will of another. St Paul says love does not seek her own. St John says to love is to lay down your life for another. The Akans say "odo ye wu" (love is about dying for another). Simply put love is about helping someone especially in his moments of great need without expecting a reward.

Models of love

Last week, Christians celebrated the life of Jesus, who, even though was the Son of God, took on the nature of a slave. He was tortured, mocked, humiliated and finally crucified to give hope and salvation to mankind. He is the model of true love.

In modem times, we have seen many people make great sacrifices that others may get better. For example, some missionaries left good things abroad, professed vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.

They settled in Ghanaian villages which then did not even have potable water and electricity. They set up my alma mater, a great institution on the Kwahu mountains. They lived and died in Ghana.

Many lovers have also made sacrifices to help their partners. Many years ago in Ghana, an expatriate wife jumped into a river to save his drowning Ghanaian husband. Unfortunately, both perished. We also heard about a Ghanaian lady who donated a kiddney to her boyfriend. They are now happily married. The examples of these heroic men and women must motivate us to make sacrifices for our lovers.

How to suffer for your lover

Renew your mind and appreciate that all relationships are difficult. It is impossible to be in a relationship without challenges. Challenges can be overcome by sacrifices you make as you give support and companionship to your lover. Resolve to put your lover's needs ahead of yours.

Put the focus on yourself

Instead of expecting your lover to meet your needs, think of how to make your lover's better. Give instead of taking. If you improve yourrself your partner improves because he merely reacts to what you do. Avoid the blame game.

Regularly ask your lover how he wants to be helped and how best you can care for him. Give up what you love and cope with what you detest. Denying yourself to help your lover is love.

Women see help as a sign of love and care but men are usually not open to help from women. They see it as a sign of weakness. A woman can, however, see a man's area of need without asking. If you help your 'man freely but not' grudgingly, he will know and appreciate it.

Change your language from 'me and mine' to 'we and ours'. This means you must be prepared to share all areas of your life, especially your money and time. Let things that matter to your lover matter to you even if you see them as being insignificant.

A man must appreciate his lover's companionship and dread separation. Therefore, instead of spending long hours of work a man can sacrifice some appointments to share quality time with his lover. Be there for your lover always.

Some lovers are slow learners and it takes time to get them to adjust to a relationship. Some are just stubborn. They think of their unique identity instead of working to nurture their couple identity.

Do not give up too soon because you are not getting the expected results. Be patient and encourage your lover to improve himself.

Suffering is your precious gift to your lover. Suffer because you care for your lover. If you never suffer for a lover, you will be less human and incapable of giving or getting love. You become more complete with suffering because it builds perseverance and refines the gold in you.

Men and women have unique abilities. We must use our abilities to serve each other faithfully, Do not live for yourself alone but always provide a shoulder for your lover to soar by the sacrifices you make.

Go the extra mile for your lover to show you care. What you do must cost you. The greater the sacrifices you make the greater your potential for a happy relationship. Love by giving and not taking. Suffer and if it makes your lover better, do not change a thing. This is true love, one that never fails.

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